To sit over a cup of coffee and listen to a Vietnam Veteran share his  most horrible memory makes me question how we can overcome such trauma and grief. Today is seven years since my final grandparent passed on. That grief came as a sweet and blessed gift of joyful memories. But what about the grief that so many carry that isn’t sweet nor blessed? How have so many men and women managed to continue when the memories are so ugly and dark? AND, how is it incredibly possible like with our Veteran friend, that he could still have such hope in others and a smile to share for all?

This is the life learning that we need to be sharing about. We need to find out how so many in our world find a way to dig out of the dark, the depression, the sadness and share it out to all! This is what it means to shine on.

A dear friend of mine recently lost her grandfather. Her grief is no less, however there is again a sweetness to it. A joy of sorts in the life her grandfather led and the amazing people he inspired.  Another friend, whose mother died from suicide an ugly memory of someone loved so much. Does the mind block it out? Is it subconsciously hidden away in the far recesses of the mind?

I’ve recently read about the trauma victims of sexual assault and how they continue to carry the grief years after the event of assault. The victims share their stories and the memories that they carry forever. The overwhelming grief of one victim who recently presented her story publicly to the nation is not one I can dismiss in my heart and mind. Instead, I question how these victims have overcome and found ways to still live despite the ugly memories and grief, as I do not doubt that it is forever there. Because in these lived experiences and overcoming stories, we can formulate a great plan of support for ourselves, our loved ones and those in this world who need us.

So how do we manage? What can we do when we or others we love are hurting? The ache inside is so painful nothing seems to make it better.  Relationship. In every story, real or imagined, when I come to where grief appears, the resolution, the connection to making the grief manageable is relationship. It is the feeling of deep isolation that deepens our darkness. The relationship with self, others, a spiritual center, a pet, a plant, nature, whatever that connects you, helps to ease the daily numbness of grief.

As my Veteran friend said, “you can’t feel alone, or you lose your mind!” In his case, he shared that he finds daily hope in his faith in God and his family. He is deeply proud of his ability to have returned from the Vietnam War, and provide for his family despite the external and internal scars. He talks of his sons and their careers and how well they are both doing. He talks of how lucky he feels to be one that made it out alive and still able to cope.

I am not an expert. I do not pretend to know much. I come to this through listening to my many loved ones, some related by blood and some related by heartstrings. I come to know this from my own personal grief that ebbs and flows during the cycle of each year. I share to encourage you to reach out. To listen to the stories of joy but even more important, you need to listen to the stories of grief. It doesn’t help take away the grief, but it definitely provides a gift of support to the hearts that are hurting and maybe will allow them to smile a little more.

Be the light. #shineon!

-Carrie Ruth