Category Archives: Parenting

Big Bad Mama! Parenting in 2019!

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Big Bad Mama!

Ball gloves on the coffee table, shoes in piles by the door, Lego pieces, and Nerf gun darts in every hidden corner. Screams of “HELP ME, I’m falling!” or “Man, he shot me again!” rise from the basement where a Lego city is being created and imagined this Summer afternoon. Sometimes it is completely silent in the house, at which point, I know someone is tasked with the job of sneaking upstairs to the pantry for snacks or candy. Sometimes I let it slide, and sometimes it’s too close to a meal.

Today’s Mom job seems familiar. As I listen and fold laundry, I’m reminded of my own childhood memories playing with G.I.Joe figures or My Little Ponies with my younger brother. Or the joys of playing Kings Quest with my older brother. Or sneaking upstairs to the freezer for a Schwan’s ice cream bar. Yum.

These are the moments my sons will remember. They don’t necessarily agree…yet.

Some days (probably more than some!), hanging out together to play and create something as brothers doesn’t happen. No, my boys would rather play tech, and do what seems easiest. They would choose to spend the whole day isolating themselves online, or plugged in, rather than hanging out with each other. BECAUSE it’s easy and addictive (there is brain research for anyone who wants it-let me know)! Let’s be honest here, we all get addicted to our devices. Here’s how it goes at my house when it happens.

Each boy wakes up at his own time, the younger two tend to wake up with the sun, the teenagers much later. The ten-year old plays on his 2DS, while the six year-old builds in other worlds on his Fire. When the fourteen year-old gets up, he plugs in the WiFi box and he and his older brother both connect to video streaming sites, but watch something totally different.

It’s a quiet household, and it’s a lonely household.

Sometimes, I get tired and don’t force them to put down the devices, and avoid the technology. Because, seriously, it’s exhausting to always be the “Big Bad Mama” in the house. Anyone else get this? I’m pretty sure all moms and dads feel this way at some point for telling their kids, “No more…tech” (or anything really!).

In my childhood days it was, “No more TV.” So setting the limits and forcing the boys to follow through feels familiar. The rewards aren’t instant though. In fact, I am pretty sure that there isn’t a day this year where I haven’t been the “Big Bad Mama” for one or for all of the boys. It isn’t fun. I don’t enjoy the cranky, moody, and downright sassy attitudes I get sometimes. Nope, hate it.

But I think it might be worth it in the long run. I hope the time they find for each other now leads them to a strong connection well into their adult lives. A devotion that leads them to call on each other even if I am not around, or in this world. That brother bond is well worth it. So I will continue to be the BIG BAD MAMA when I need to be. Which might be every day sometimes!

Here’s my top five phrases of BIG BAD MAMA rules:

  1. “When you swear, or say a naughty word, you get to clean the toilet.” (My absolute smartest rule ever! Especially in a house where there are five men!)
  2. “If you can’t agree to play together and get along, then I can easily find work for you to do together!”
  3. “Grudges aren’t healthy, so get over it and forgive each other before bed.”
  4. “No cell phones after 9:45 p.m.” & “WiFi is gone when I go to bed.” (There is no reason for anyone to be up in the night playing on technology. This set of rules is especially hated by the teens in the house.)
  5. “I am not a perfect parent, but I will always love you ferociously, which means you will always know I care!”

Use your “Mommy Eyes”…

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When my eldest son was just a little tyke, he told Andrew to “use his mommy eyes” to find whatever Daddy was searching for. At the time we laughed, and it became a quote that resurfaced every time someone searched for the keys, a missing shoe, or the TV remote control! Reflecting on this, I think there was something my son was touching on that I didn’t originally understand or consider.

Look closer, and observe what might be hidden in plain sight. It is natural for me to observe and reflect on what I see around me. I just didn’t understand that not everyone sees like me. I have a perspective all my own. My son, unknowingly, was trying to help his Dad see things through my eyes, in my perspective. It reminds me of the saying, “You don’t know what it’s like for another person until you walk in their shoes.” The thing is, I believe it’s more than just walking in another’s shoes. You’ve got to see the world through their eyes.

I have some wonderful siblings and cousins who were genetically gifted with great height. My mother is shorter in stature and I remember her telling these tall fellows, “Come down to my level and you’ll see what I see!” She used to joke about it, but again, it was about getting to see the world from another person’s perspective.

I think my point for you is to consider the value in looking from other’s perspectives.  Judging someone isn’t going to help you feel connected, nor gain joy. And it’s not about seeing another’s viewpoint to try and change minds about whatever is today’s current news. No, it’s about being open to the fact that I don’t see the way you see, and you don’t see the way I see, but I want to. Because, people are cool! Connections (real connections) with people encourage joy. People who are authentic and real by giving you a look into their worlds, help you learn. They help you consider better ways to connect, for future friendships, and more importantly, for yourself.

Earlier this week, a student was working on a poem that included figurative language about how fences hold us back from ourselves. She chewed on her lip, gave me a look, blew her hair up, and said, “It’s like pretending not to care when you really do.?. Right?” Getting to sit and see her thinking, processing, frustration, and eventual consideration, was the absolute best! I was definitely looking with my mommy eyes (teacher eyes), and I can’t imagine how much I would have missed if I hadn’t seen that silent observation.

But, it’s not just with people. In nature too, and all around us are viewpoints we never see. Today, as I rode in the car, and Andrew drove, I looked out and saw a very large nest in the trees along the river. I had never seen it before, although we drive the same route every weekday. When we saw the bald eagle perched in a nearby tree we knew what the nest was for. Seriously cool! Again, grateful for the reminder to look with my mommy eyes!

I urge you to take the time to look with your mommy eyes (You can call it whatever you want! Just do it!)! I promise, you will step lighter, having benefited by seeing things you never saw quite the same way before!

I can’t wait to see what I get to look at tomorrow!

~Carrie  #shineon

 

“I will love you forever, FEROCIOUSLY!”

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We love our children. But sometimes parents forget to love with the ferociousness required. We enjoy the baby snuggles, toddler giggles and tempers, and even the young child sass. Then all of a sudden, the babyhood is gone and a kid has appeared right before our very eyes!  During the early years, you can understand the ferocious love. It’s the type that you have when you imagine someone snatching your baby when your back is turned. Or when your little urchin somehow unbuckles his car-seat belt buckles (all of them!) and stands up while you are speeding down the interstate! Yeah, it’s that kind of love. Mama and Papa Bear love, well, kind of.

There is a difference though, in this type of love I describe. While there are absolutely strong emotions tied to ferocious love, there is also a quiet, calm to this love. The ferociously loving parents observe their children. They listen to what is said, and isn’t said. They ask questions that might not have answers, because the child has yet to even consider the thought. This requires full engagement on the part of the parent. Carefully paying attention to how the child is growing, changing, and becoming independent.

Independence isn’t just a happenstance. It is an education in homes with ferociously loving parents. Children are not left to learn by chance the route to respect, to responsibility, to kindness and to gratitude. The instruction provided comes directly from the parents. While it may not be exactly perfect instruction, or planned out like it is for teachers, the instruction given by ferociously loving parents is REAL. It is in the moment. It is purposeful to the needs of the child’s emotional development and self-confidence.

I desire my sons to become self-confident, independent, and respectful adults. I do not pretend to know what I am doing as a parent. Both my husband, Andrew and I, are just trying to do our best. What I do know, is what I have experienced as a child. Great parents who love ferociously. Andrew, too, continues to be enveloped by this type of love from his parents. We are fortunate to have both been raised in homes where we had boundaries, expectations, responsibilities, and appropriate consequences for our actions. Our parents required us to check in, request permission for activities, and take responsibility when we didn’t follow our parents’ expectations. Our home is no different.

When one or all of my sons say, “You are too strict!” or “None of my friend’s parents care where they are.” or “My friends think my parents are too old-fashioned!”, I respond with, “I will love you forever, FEROCIOUSLY.” It doesn’t discount my boys’ frustrations, but it reminds them that we will parent them as best we can.

Some might believe this to be extreme over-protectiveness (for sure in my eldest son’s mind), however, I prefer to consider it like a see-saw of independence. At birth we lift them way up high, carrying the weight and their life and future in our hands. As each child grows, we lower them a little closer to the ground, until that moment when we let them touch the earth for the first time and they push up all by themselves (maybe like when we let them ride alone somewhere on their bike, or when they get to buy their own items at the store, or when they have to ask a girl’s Dad permission to date his daughter). We continue to hold them, carefully watching how they handle the new freedoms. At times, we can control the height they go, the speed they go, and the amount of times they fly. And during the whole ride on the see-saw of independence, we watch and wait to see when they are ready to fly with control all by themselves. While it seems we let go of the see-saw once the child is an adult, the reality is, ferociously loving parents forever maintain a slight hold on the handle. Ferocious love.

Carrie Ruth  #shineon

Noodles, Laundry & Gratitude

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In my previous administrator role, I would never had time to contemplate the connection between noodles, laundry and gratitude other than the simple consideration and thanks to God for convenient foods like already made ravioli and laundry machines that just need to be filled and started. Yeah, maybe thinking deeper about these items is a bit of a stretch, but my mind has been a bit lighter these days so whatever, I just go with it!

Noodles. Have you actually seen the YouTube channel, “Pasta Grannies”? This channel provides videos of pasta makers around the world. Videos provide examples of specialized homemade pasta and the makers who have mastered the art of each noodle design. This is a favorite channel of mine, again recently, as I have a deep desire to learn how to make homemade noodles.

The reason? Memories.  As a young teen, I remember learning how to make simple homemade egg noodles with my grandmother and the reminder has me yearning to learn. I can almost taste the pepper steak we ate with those noodles. Yummy! As a young mom, I recall the moments each of my sons learned to slurp up a spaghetti noodle. What a lovely, messy memory! And, most recently, I remember the third son telling me how much he loves when I make homemade chicken noodle soup because of the noodles I use. Wish they were mine! Noodles, the reminder of great people. great moments and great food!

Laundry. Honestly, I cannot remember a memory that associates with laundry. More likely, I have blocked the recall of the many, many, many loads of sorting (yeah, I don’t check pockets, much to Andrew’s dismay), washing, drying, folding and putting away that I have done in my fairly short life. What I have not blocked out is the reminder of what it should be to everyone of us. Laundry=Life (unless you choose to hang out in unwashed garb!). Yep, the logic then would be if you have more laundry in your home, you have more life.?  Well, I know this laundry subject to be overwhelming ugliness and you are already wondering when it will be over. Here is the MOST IMPORTANT THING: that laundry you hate to do, will eventually be gone. The life that we have too, will be gone. So while some (me too sometimes!) can look at the laundry with the evil eye, remember to be grateful. It means you are living!

FINALLY!!!

Gratitude. BE THANKFUL. Breathe it, share it, let it shine.

That’s it. Noodles and Laundry and Gratitude. I am so very thankful for my noodles that help me remember the people, times, and food that make the moment special. I am beyond grateful for the laundry that is non-stop at my house right now. A whirlwind of life in my world. I will try to remember to show gratitude for all of it, even when I find out a tissue was in that pocket I didn’t check!

Much love to you all!

Carrie Ruth  #shineon

PS. Here’s the Pasta Grannies YouTube link!

Pasta Grannies YouTube

 

Sunscreen & Forgiveness…

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The challenges of this middle aged lady living in a house of five males is often mind-blowing and beyond exhausting! And yet, it also is full of loud, joyful noise too (as you can imagine)!

Saturday’s adventure in trying to shine on as a Mom… 

We were preparing to get packed up to head to the beach to spend the afternoon. The beach house is truly only about 5 minutes to walk (if that) to the edge of the ocean when the tide is out, so all we needed to do was get our swimmies on, spray on the sunscreen, pack up some water and snacks, organize everyone’s boogie boards and grab the towels. To get each of these tasks completed, I had to repeat myself like a broken record to each son. That was okay because in the end it would result in three or four hours sitting in the sun watching the play and interactions around me without too much extra effort on my part (you might consider this selfish, but instead, I call this necessary!).

Task one completed (only 15 minutes to get us all in our suits), I felt like we were moving along at a decent rate and getting close to leaving. Three of the four boys were sprayed and ready to go and I only had to ensure one more son put sunscreen on. Well, unfortunately for both my fifteen year old and I, the spray sunscreen (that we had borrowed from my sister-in-law) ran out and we had no other available. My son’s expression was “No big deal, Mom. I’ll be fine”. My reaction was much different. I asked him to run over to his other aunt’s beach house to ask to borrow her sunscreen. He would not. I responded with,  “You will either go ask your other aunt to borrow her sunscreen, or you will wear a shirt while on the beach and in the ocean.” Possibly my tone was authoritative as I was certainly not feeling calm and quiet in my mind. I’d like to think it was just a simple stated direction, but from his pissed off expression, I’m sure it was closer to yelling. I was hot. He was too. I grabbed the towels, backpack with water and snacks, and proceeded to stalk over to my second sister-in-law’s place to borrow a rub-on sunscreen. I may have vented a little to her in the process of asking for the sunscreen and trekked down to the beach with the other three sons. My husband led the eldest to the beach and we met down at the gathering place where all the cousins were playing.

Now is where the #shineon moment makes me smile (and tear up too, darn the guilt). When I reached the place where my eldest son was, he came over and asked for me to put on his sunscreen for him. I know that he was still annoyed with me but he also knew it was important to me to keep him safe from the sun. My heart melted from the anger and I gratefully put sunscreen all over his back. I thanked him for putting on the sunscreen and we both apologized for getting upset with each other. This moment could be looked at the moment that ruined our time at the beach, but instead, we let forgiveness lead us and had a great day building sandcastles and playing in the ocean. (And a really awesome cousin provided me with an adult beverage which made the day even brighter!-Thanks JS)

#shineon friends!

-Carrie Ruth